Jan 01 2013
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Musings

My Totally Original New Year’s Resolutions

timessquare

When I used to gamble, which was infrequently due to the whole ‘being poor’ thing, my favorite roulette numbers were 13 and 27. I chose them all the time, and did pretty damn well. Now, a lot of people laugh at the idea of luck and numerology, and those that do believe, I often laugh at them. However, this year, in the year 2013, I am going to turn 27.

What?!?! It’s like magic. And I didn’t even put those two things together until like two months ago. Anyway, to quote every drunk girl prancing around with their sixth Smirnoff Ice tonight, “This is my year!”

So, lets get to the changes. The majesty of New Years is that it’s a fresh start for everyone. It’s like every person in the world just got back from Vegas. Whatever happened in 2012 stays in 2012. So here are my goals for 2013:

Health. Just, like, be better at health. Be in better health? Health this shit up, yo. Cut out sugars and fried food and… you know what this entails. At some time this year, I want to hike Half-Dome at Yosemite and participate in a Zombie Run in September. And to do either of these things, I gotta go back to my old days in senior year of high school. I can… yeah, I can do that. Sure.

Productivity. I am going to write. I am going to make movies. I am going to create. Every single day, as much as possible without fail. I am going to work myself to the bone, and do you know why? Because making art and being creative isn’t digging at ditch or counting away the hours as a register jockey. This shit is fun, and if it isn’t you’re doing it wrong. And if I have to have fun until I’m exhausted, oh woe is me.

Skill. I want a skill I don’t have yet. I’m just going to work on it, over and over, until I’m good at it. I’m not sure what yet. Here are some options: Playing the Guitar (never really even picked one up before), Origami (I have some basics, but I want to be able to make ANYTHING), Cooking and/or Baking (They say Cooking is an art and baking is a science, so it will probably be cooking.) I got the idea for learning a new skill when I read a great article by David Wong of Cracked.com and if you check it out, you WILL be inspired.

I’m sure there are other things, other goals and objectives, but not resolutions that I need to change. These are things I am RESOLVING to accomplish and just watch out, because *drunken sassy snapping* THIS IS MY YEAR!

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Nov 14 2012
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Anger, Musings, Politics

Holy Shit, Mike Huckabee Got Freaking Huge

What the hell happened? I remember a few years ago when Mike Huckabee was a lean, mean, conservative asshole who had terrible opinions and was skinny. Now he’s a giant racist asshole who put back on all the weight he lost. Apparently, Huckabee, back in the day, was as big a greaseball as you could be. Then, when he decided to run for President, he decided to stop living off a cake and try some vegetables instead. Now, with his cushy FOX News gig, he can afford all the cake he wants again. I guess the only reason I am bringing this up is because I super fucking hate this dude, and I delight in the idea that he has trouble walking up stairs without panting like a dog in the middle of summer. I guess I’m just being a jerk here, but, eh, whatever. Fuck that guy.

 

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Nov 06 2012
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Anger, Musings

DON’T VOTE!

Okay, so, here’s the deal: If you haven’t already decided to vote, I’m fairly sure that reading “Go Vote” 9,000 times on your facebook wall isn’t suddenly going to convince you. Clearly, you are uninterested, and thats fine. I mean, it’s stupid, but so are lots of things your probably do.

Now, I may get some shit for this, but my main problem with everyone trying to “rock the vote” is that they have shitty arguments. For example, I see all the time that people say “Americans died for your right to vote!” Well, here is why that’s a fucked argument: People, historically, have died for all sorts of causes. People have died for my right to own slaves. People died for Germany’s right to kill off any non-Aryans. Dying in a fight to protect something doesn’t, automatically, make that something a good thing!

Also, if you don’t know who you want to vote for, you aren’t suddenly going to have a stroke of genius when you’re punching your ballot. If you don’t know by election day how an election works or who to pick, you’re vote is worthless. AS ARE ALL VOTES BECAUSE OF THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE.

Now, I am going to vote at some point today. Because I feel socially obligated and because I have some strong feelings about the Propositions. But if you forgot today was the election, and you needed to be reminded by facebook, don’t vote. Clearly you don’t care, or you’re super high, and in either case, don’t vote.

If you have strong feelings about politics, about the course of our history as Americans, about propositions and laws and justice, than VOTE. But if you needed me, just now, to tell you to do that, DON’T VOTE!

And just shut up for the rest of your life. Thank you.

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Nov 02 2012
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Crime, Real News

Razor Blades For Halloween

Do you know the old Urban Legend about a kid coming home from a long, amazing Halloween night of Trick Or Treating, only for the kid’s parents to check the candy and find razor blades hidden in the candy apples? It’s a famous Old Wives Tale made popular by over-zealous and semi-unethical news programs that take legends for fact.

Well, check this shit out. Some smart-ass home owner in Myrtle Beach thought it would be really funny to give out razorblades for Halloween. However, the joke is that they were locked inside a Bic disposable razor, sealed in the bag you guy them in.

While clearly a very funny joke, (which may be considered ‘bad taste’ if you’re a boring asshole), a parent of one of the children didn’t find it very funny, (see above for the reason.) She freaked out and called the cops and the Home Owners Association.

The razor that her daughter came home with appeared to still be in it’s original package, but Worrell worries what could have happened if she had not checked the contents first, and what if other children received a razor and their parents don’t know.

What would have happened? The child would have tried to eat the Bic? Unless your child is an infant or mentally challenged, or maybe a goat, they wouldn’t try to eat a Bic razor. And if your kid is one of those exceptions, they should be watched at all times before eating anything. So just chill the fuck out and consider it a very friendly gift. Single Wrapped Bic razors can be like 2$ a pop. That’s an expensive Halloween prank.

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Nov 01 2012
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DIY, Musings, Photographs

Check Out These Badass Halloween Cupcakes!

With frosting, white chocolate, red velvet, dark chocolate, powdered spinkles and red food color, Jessica Chaney made some of the most badass Halloween cucpakes I have ever tried. Some are so life-like and realisitc, they are almost too creepy to eat. Those are the ones that taste the best!

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